By Tony Farkas
It’s October, so everyone knows what that means (if your answer is anything like pumpkin spice, I’ll make you run laps).
That’s right, it’s time for silly stories.
To keep you from having to do it, I’ve combed the news sites — legitimate and otherwise — that posted headlines that are headscratchers, puzzlers and ones that make you go, “Huh?”.
That, and sometimes even I need a break from the drama plaguing the planet.
So we’ll start with this gem from Breitbart News:
•Woman claims Disney World waterslide caused severe ‘wedgie’ injuries
Yep, such like the coffee lawsuit, a woman in Florida has filed a suit claiming injuries and internal organ damage from an “atomic wedgie” while “enjoying” the Humunga Cowabunga water slide.
I’m sure there will be folks chiding me for calling this headline silly since the woman was injured, but hey, as the saying goes, “You pays your money and you takes your chances.” Also, “Gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law.”
•From CNN: Scientist calls record global heat in September ‘gobsmackingly bananas’
I just hate it when a story forces me to run to a dictionary to understand technical jargon.
•From MSNBC: Vikings had windows, another shift away from their image as barbaric Norsemen, Danish museum says
Nothing screams breaking news more than upending people’s stereotypical view of Vikings as brutal seafaring marauders with braids and axes.
FYI: They had the global heat story, too.
•From Fox News: Ed Sheeran dug his own grave in his backyard: ‘Really morbid’
I guess since you can’t take it with you, just never leave.
Also from Fox News: ‘Jerk’ great white shark takes big bite out of woman’s tuna
Was it a casserole? A sammich? Nah, she was fishing, caught a critter, and became informed about the real circle of life.
•From Politico, via MSN: Say goodbye to the Covid-19 vaccination card
Were we ever supposed to say hello? This little bit of fascism was drummed up by the powers that be in their fervor to save us from ourselves, cause 535 mostly lawyers know everything.
•From the Associated Press: A Texas official faces criminal charge after accidentally shooting his grandson at Nebraska wedding
The gentleman in question had thought to fire a blank as a “starter pistol” for the wedding. The gun misfired, hitting his grandson in the shoulder.
•Back to Breitbart: U.S. customs seizes giraffe poop from traveler planning to make necklace
I got nothing. I’m completely perplexed.
•From ABC News: Wisconsin GOP want to make public nudity a crime
This is what the focus is, not anything of merit. Why is this just now coming up? Is there an overabundance of nudity in a state with average daily winter temperature is a sweltering 33 degrees?
•Here’s one on pretty much every news site I’ve run across, in one form or another: Mayorkas cites ‘immediate need’ to waive regulations, build border wall in Texas as immigration surges
In the immortal words of John McClain, welcome to the party, pal. Texans have been trying to tell you this for years. Decades, even.
Sure hope we’re not missing anything important with all of these high-level stories clogging up our mental chyrons … wait a minute …