By Tony Farkas
Dear “weather balloon” UFO occupants:
We’re awful sorry if we, the citizens and the military of the United States of America, have killed and/or injured you and/or members of your family/pod/tribe/clan.
See, when objects of unusual size/shape trapse over our airspace, we, as an enlightened and woke society bent on embracing any and all beings coming to our melting-pot society, we’ll shoot first and ask questions later.
Quite frankly, given your level of technology, you should have been aware that there actually is a process for newcomers, be they visitors or, quite possibly in your case, beings interested in becoming citizens.
For instance, we need to qualify you, meaning find out if you actually can come here. That would mean either you’ve been granted asylum from an oppressive regime, such as Romulus, the Borg, Centauri or Harvesters; or refugees, such as those escaping slavery such as Newcomers. In such cases, you’d be a shoo-in.
Following that, fill out an application, and pay the application fee. You’ll need to give us some sort of idea of the exchange rates for money, but we’ll gladly take precious metals and/or technological advances that can better our society and protect us from all things foreign and domestic, cause nothing says “back off” like being vaporized.
Once your application is processed, which could take anywhere from 6 months to 6,000 years, because we have one of the most efficient governments that cares deeply about the citizenry, please gather any documentation with proper government stamps and translation while you wait for your interview.
The interview will be scheduled, and you’ll be asked a few questions, and be subject to a biometric process, and hopefully you’ll have things like fingerprints that can be scanned. Once all of this is compiled, it could take anywhere from 6 months to 6,000 years for the process to finish and you become a citizen.
In the future, should you still wish to visit or immigrate to our really, truly fine country, may we suggest you travel to any other country south of our southern border, and walk across with the rest. This way, you’ll be sure to be allowed in, and quite possibly be given a free bus ride to one of our great tourist spots, like New York City, Denver, Chicago or even Los Angeles.
Of course, this assumes that you intended to come to this country; we would hope that you do. Just don’t go to Canada.
On the off-chance that all you were doing was verifying our horrible, no good, very bad treatment of the planet and the effect that has on the climate, well, we apologize for blowing up your test equipment. Surely you would know how to legislate weather regulation, which is something we’re so desperately trying to do here.
We will, of course, pay for the damages, once we get done arguing about the raising the debt ceiling so we can pass a budget, something we haven’t done in decades and something that we really look forward to, provided we get all the other things put in there, like funds for studying drunk fish or supporting a war in the Ukraine.
Please let us know at your earliest convenience what we can do, as we’re from the government and we’re here to help you.
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