Pull that lever, or your house will be haunted
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By Tony Farkas
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There’s quite a bit of doom and gloom floating around the ether this season, and not so much of it is related to the Halloween holiday.
Of course, I’m referring to the election, and whether it’s the end of the world or just the end of democracy depends on who ends up in charge — at least that’s what the “knowledgeable” pundits on the air and on your social media/email feeds will tell you.
Regardless of who you cast your ballot for, it behooves me to remind you to not only vote but remember that whatever happens to our country in the future is up to us, and who we put in charge will be on our heads. Just like the protagonists in horror movies — the ones who go off alone, or into the woods at night, or, well, you know.
In honor of both seasons — Halloween and election — here’s an exercise that will put the proper spin on all the scary stuff we’re facing using some horror films that are either notorious or enjoyable, depending on your particular bent: the swap.
•“The Exorcist” was a movie I saw only once but it left a lasting impression on me for two reasons; some friend of mine, under the influence of illicit substances, were sitting behind me, so the film for me at the time was a laugh riot, and then later, I realized just how scary the implications were for someone so seemingly nice becoming something evil. Like, say, Mitt Romney, who had everyone believing that he was going to do nice things for the country only to become something more sinister and unlikeable.
Linda Blair can become a senator from Utah, which would I’m sure scare that population out of its mind.
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•”Dracula,” either the Bela Lugosi or Gary Oldman version, would feature any Democratic president, but for this we’ll use Joe Biden as the titular bloodsucker. He won’t actually drink blood, but that would be eww, but instead would siphon tax dollars to provide “life” to a country that would be better off fending for itself.
•”Frankenstein,” the man who created the monster, dabbled in something he didn’t understand and consequently let loose a terror on the world. In my mind, former President Obama would fit the bill as the monster, given his ham-fisted approach to leadership, and his putative creator, Rahm Emanuel, who ended up being the real monster.
•Given the Texas border is a sieve, and nobody can seem to solve that problem, I’m thinking that would be an interesting substitute for “Aliens.” After all, the premise is the same, and the country is changing because of inaction and anyone raising an alarm is treated as the problem.
Frankly, not even Ripley and her loader could solve this issue.
•Until it’s purchase by Elon Musk, the Twitterverse was more like the movie “A Quiet Place,” except that only permitted speech was allowed to be disseminated. Unless you feel “The Silence of the Lambs” would be a more appropriate swap. I’m good with either.
•This one might be a bit of a stretch, but I’m thinking that former President “W” Bush would be a fit for “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari,” except instead of mind control, there would be that execrable Patriot Act responsible for controlling the people of this country.
The moral of this particular tale today is a simple one: Despite a seemingly dauntless task, people, and voters as well, can solve most problems. So buckle up and pull that lever and let’s vanquish all the demons.
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