It’s appropriate, but probably not welcome

Sitting in a car for hours listening to Christmas tunes can leave a person nostalgic for Andy Williams, Perry Como and Guy Lombardo …

“Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Christmas Carol Cavalcade, this year specifically geared with loving, regional acceptable truisms for the area.

This year’s offerings are presented by the “We’re Not Gettin’ Paid, So Back Off” singers, culled from your hometowns and forced, er, assembled here for your listening pleasure.

No, this concert is free, but a love donation will be taken in the form of not rioting.

OK. Here’s our first offering: 

Oh, the weather outside is spiteful

But the AC is so delightful

Keep the electricity on, you know

So don’t let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

The drivers can’t stay on the road

Even in a little rain

Then they slide off to the side

And in the ditch they remain …

Thank you, fan, tomatoes are a fine source of iron. Next up is a favorite of the tenors, and I hope it’s one of yours.

I really can’t go (baby it’s hot outside)

It’s humid, you know (baby it’s hot outside)

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It’s 80 degrees (waddaya want from me)

Turn on the AC (geez, the bills) …

We appreciate all the support, and lettuce is a good source for fiber in a diet. The horn section likes this one.

O Holy Christ, this bike won’t go together

There’s all these parts, and instructions are in Chinese.

I’ve had too much beer, and my vision is kinda blurry

The dollhouse broke, and the tree just fell over …

All we need is bacon and we’ve got sandwiches for the road! Our next piece is a personal favorite of the bus driver.

Last Christmas … NOOOO OOOOOOOOOO!

OK! Looks like someone is playing Whamaggeddon, so we’ll just move on. This one goes out to all the folks at PETA.

We fish ewe a mare egrets moose

panda hippo gnu deer.

For those of you left, please remember to buy our CD, which will be out on 8-track sometime in the next decade.”

Just a little levity for a holiday that is all about the love and gift of giving. All of us at easttexasnews.com wish you marey marey egrets moose and a hippo new deer.

Tony Farkas is editor of the San Jacinto News-Times. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..